In Which I Weigh in on Vaccines and Then Duck

Vaccinations have become a hot topic of late, and since they are apparently now a political issue, I feel the need to put in my "official" two cents. I'm hesitant to do this, because I have good friends and close relatives who are anti-vax, and I really don't want to offend or hurt them. But I'm putting this out there anyway, and am going to let the chips fall where they may.

I have two kids. Both have received every vaccination suggested by their pediatrician, a man who I respect and trust. He went to medical school, and he keeps up on the latest medical research, something I cannot do because I am not a trained pediatrician, and have no skill in deciphering medical studies and research. Therefore, when my kids are sick, I take them to see the doctor, and he tells me what the best course of action is. He always takes into account my input as a parent, since clearly I know my kids better than he does, but I'm willing to take his word that "medicine A" will help with "illness B."  I've never once felt like he was jumping too quickly to a pharmaceutical solution when one wasn't warranted, and he's never pressured me to use any medication on my children.

I once asked him about the vaccination debate, (just out of curiosity - I wasn't trying to make a decision either way for my kids, as they had already gotten their shots). This is what he told me: "If there were any danger to giving kids vaccinations, and I was only doing it to make money for myself and a drug company, then I would just give them to other kids and not my own. But honestly, vaccinations are not a money making proposition, for doctors at least. In fact, we generally break even or take a loss on them. But really, why would I give them to my own kids if I had any question at all about the safety? I would just give them to other people's kids and rake in the dough."

Now, obviously this is just one doctor's take on the issue. He can't speak for the whole of the medical community. But still, it makes sense. He has a son the same age as mine, and I trust that he's confident enough in what he's giving his own son, so I don't worry about him doing the same with my son. He's just more knowledgeable than I am on the subject, period. And no amount of Googling is going to earn me a medical degree.

The reason I think this is such a tough issue for many people is that the pharmaceutical industry certainly hasn't given anyone any reason to trust them. Do they do shady shit for the sake of profits? Definitely. Are people in America over-medicating themselves? Probably. Do drug reps trade free lunches for the chance to get doctors prescribing their products? For sure. I used to work at a clinic, and the free lunches were the best part of the job.

But does any of that mean that vaccines aren't safe and effective? No. How do we know this? Scientific evidence. Why should we trust scientific evidence? Because of the scientific method. Why should we trust the scientific method? Because it's been proven time and again to work. The science on vaccines is not unclear. Vaccines have been studied, and studied, and studied. And while there is always a small risk with any medication, there is a much bigger risk to NOT getting vaccinated.

My generation has been lucky in the area of infant mortality (at least in America). These days we don't just expect at least 1 or 2 of our kids to die from a routine illness like measles or small pox. We don't have to watch our communities be decimated by influenza. We haven't been traumatized by a child getting polio, like my grandmother was with my uncle. We take it for granted that our kids will, for the most part, be healthy and stay alive to reach the terrible twos (with a few horribly tragic exceptions, obviously). I don't even have to watch my kids suffer through the painful scratching I had to endure with the chicken pox, because now we can vaccinate against that too. In fact, my kids are pretty dang healthy.  You would expect that if having all of those vaccinations had somehow ruined their immature immune systems, that they would be catching every illness that came knocking on our door, but no, with the exception of some constipation issues, my kids have been able to fend off virtually anything. Of course, this is just "anecdotal evidence" which shouldn't really be taken to mean anything, but still, you get my point.

At the heart of the anti-vax debate are parents who truly believe they are doing what is best for their children. For whatever reason, they feel that vaccinating might harm their child somehow, and I can understand that. No parent wants to gamble with their children's health and well being. But part of the problem, as I see it, is the view that MY children are the only thing that matters. As parents, the view that all of our parenting decisions should be sacrosanct and autonomous, and that we always just "know" what's best for our own child, ignores the fact that our children are part of a society, and yes, even a "herd."

Which brings me to my neighbor. She has a son, Cole, who is roughly the same age as my youngest. They are BFF's, and during the summer, they have the run of the neighborhood, playing together all day long. It's really very sweet. But Cole has a variety of health issues, which prevent him from getting certain vaccines, and which cause him to pick up EVERY bug that travels within 10 yards of him. My neighbor has to be very careful about keeping her house free of germs, and if my kids are at all sick, Cole can't come over and play. She is relying on me to vaccinate my kids, so that her son doesn't get the measles (or anything worse). She is like many parents out there with children of kids (and babies who are too young to get vaccinated), who are relying on YOU to do your part and get your kids their vaccinations, if at all possible.

Women in other parts of the world will walk for days to get their kids to a vaccination clinic, because they've seen firsthand the devastation of losing a child to a preventable illness. While (mostly upper class white) people in America debate and pontificate over the idea  that you're poisoning your baby with *GASP* chemicals (ignoring the fact that everything on the planet is made out of chemicals), women in poorer parts of the world are just trying to keep their babies from dying.

I'm not even going to touch the autism issue, because the link between vaccines and autism is just not there. Case closed. No more debate needed.  And even if it did, autism is not worse than dying.  I can't even imagine how offensive it is to people who are actually on the spectrum to hear that the mere thought of someone's child being like them is worth risking their life over. I'm not trying to downplay the devastation autism can cause for families, but I hold to my belief that a child with autism is better than a child who is dead. And that's only if there were a link, which there's not, so again, case closed.

But like I said, I have close friends and relatives who choose not to vaccinate, and despite our different feelings on this issue, I still love them and think they are great parents. I think we're ALL trying to do what is best for our kids, and fighting with them won't really help anything. They are right to have questions about how the environment around them affects their kids, and we should all have some healthy skepticism about the things we feed and inject into children. Autism IS on the rise, and there ARE more food allergies today, and processed food IS worse for you than fresh vegetables. Overuse of antibiotics IS something we should be looking at more closely, and pharmaceutical companies ARE pretty horrible in some of their tactics.

But the vaccine debate doesn't need to be had. It's over. And there are real world consequences to not getting your child or yourself vaccinated. And those consequences affect other people's kids. Which is why this is such an emotional topic. But turning it into a political issue only muddies the waters even more. This should not be a Democrat vs Republican issue. Mainly because there are not 2 sides to science. Do I think we should require parents to vaccinate under penalty of law? That seems a little creepy even to a commie lefty like me. But do I think you should be required to vaccinate your kids if you want them in the public school system? Yes. No exceptions. I think that granting religious and philosophical exceptions to vaccinations is stupid, because science doesn't care what your religion or your "deeply held beliefs" have to say about it. And neither does Cole, who just doesn't want to be sick all of the time.

So there you have it. Take it for what it's worth. I'm not an expert and I would never claim to be, but there are experts in the world, and I take my advice from them, not the Internet.

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P.S. And I have one more beef with this whole issue: the idea that alternative medicines are not about profit like those big evil pharmaceutical companies. I used to own an allergen-free food store, and the companies we ordered from also sold alternative medicines and vitamins, and let me tell ya, there is a LOT of profit to be made in the "all-natural" industry. The difference of course is that there is actual science to back up the claims of vaccines, and none to back up the claims of the homeopathic tablets that cost you $30 a bottle.

A Frosty Review of "Frozen"

I heard the other day that some conservative Christian group is frothing at the mouth over the Disney film Frozen. Apparently, not only does it promote witchcraft (these guys do know that witchcraft isn't real, right?), but also, gasp, lesbianism!! I hadn't yet seen the movie when I heard this but I thought to myself, "a Disney movie incorporated some openly gay characters? Cool!"

I decided to actually buy the DVD/Blu-Ray combo of the movie, since not only had I heard such great things about it from everyone I know, but I also rarely get an opportunity to watch "girly" movies at my house. When you live with 2 sons and a husband, you get a lot of Transformers, cars, and aliens, but not a lot of singing, dancing, or ballgowns. Had you asked me ten years ago (before I had kids), I would have smugly told you that this was a purely social construct, and it's only because we encourage boys and girls to consume different types of media that they have any "preferences" at all.

I've since come to the realization that boys and girls are just different. This doesn't mean that ALL boys like trucks and ALL girls like dolls. It just means that even when you paint your boy's toenails and try so hard to assure them that there are no "boy colors" and "girl colors," they're still probably going to gravitate to Spiderman over Cinderella. Not all, but most.

Anyway, back to Frozen.

I was excited to see this one because I'm a HUGE Broadway fan, and the amazing Idina Menzel (aka "Adele Dazeem") voices one of the main characters. Plus, my brother had told me it was very "Broadway-ey."

So I was severely disappointed to find out that I hated most of the music. Except for the one song that was the big hit of the film, "Let it Go," the rest of the songs kind of sucked. Which my husband enjoyed pointing out again and again throughout the film. Also, I was dismayed to find that there was NO gay plot-line after all! Only a sweet story about two biological sisters performing acts of "true love" for each other.

So that was disappointing. But like any Disney movie for kids, it had a mix of good and bad themes throughout. So without further ado, here is my list of the good, the bad, and the ugly from Frozen:

Good:

• That one song was okay.
• There is a lesson to had about not letting fear rule your life.
• The love story between the sisters trumped the romance between the lead male/female characters. That was nice.
• Josh Gad. I LOVE Josh Gad. And the reindeer. He was funny.
• The lead female character was kind of bad ass and dorky at the same time. That was a nice change for Disney.
• It turns out that deciding to marry someone you just met that day is probably a bad idea. Unless you've known them for like a month, in which case it's probably "true love."

Bad:

• Must EVERY film that is marketed to girls require a romance as one of the main plot points??! Do we need every girl to think that the single most important thing in life is getting married??!! You don't see this same theme in films targeted to boys. Yes, there is an occasional romance thrust at them, but it's not usually such an important part of the story. And we are talking about children here! They have plenty of time to worry about romance when they grow up. Does it have to be the only thing Hollywood keeps throwing at them?
• And on the point of romance, I'm so sick of seeing the idea thrown at kids of any gender that there is "one true love" out there for everyone. This idea is harmful. It keeps people in bad relationships for much too long, and keeps young people from exploring their options when it comes to partners. When kids grow up with the idea that once they find their "soul-mate" then everything will just magically fall into place, we're setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment. The movie does give a slight nod to this idea, but solves the problem with a second "true love."
• Does every female lead character in the world of Disney NEED to be a Princess? What is it with Princess worship? I just don't get it.
• The idea that hearts are more important than brains. Brains are just a changeable feature able to be manipulated, but your heart, well, ALWAYS trust that.
• The "poor little rich girl" theme, again.

Ugly:

• Do I even need to say it? The eyes!!! Ugh! Disney, please stop with the girls having eyes that are 15 times too big for their faces!! We get it. You're trying to make them sexy and more appealing, but it's just creepy and unsettling. 
• And while you're at it, do all of them need a 2 centimeter wide waist and size -2 feet? It's just weird.

So there you have it. One person's opinion. As of this writing, my 4-year-old son is on his 4th viewing of Frozen, so I guess it does have some cross-over appeal. But if I woke up tomorrow and saw that Disney was making a movie with some honest-to-god gay characters, I'd be pleased as punch.

Father's Day Redux

My Crohn's disease has been acting up lately, which means my house is now an f-ing disaster. I'm feeling slightly better today, which means I need to catch up on the mountains of laundry and dishes that have been piling up for a week (since I have found that boys don't seem to care as much about filth as I do). So instead of writing another brilliant Father's Day post, I'm just going to be lazy and repost this one from 2 years ago. Enjoy (again)!!!

Since it's Father's Day, I thought it would be a good time to give a little tribute to my dad.

My dad and I have never been your typical father/daughter duo.  We never went to Father/Daughter dances, we don't hug each other and he doesn't have some cutesy pet name for me.  My dad was a teen father and thus was thrown into fatherhood early, only to figure it out for himself. 

The most important thing that my dad has really taught me is that when you have an opinion on something, your opinion better be able to hold up under scrutiny.  As you might imagine, my opinionated beliefs began early in life.  And whenever I would spout off my latest opinion on something, my dad was there to challenge it.  Not in a mean, confrontational way, just in a "Oh ya, well what about this" way.

I remember when I was thirteen and the first gulf war was happening, I told my dad I thought it was horrible that we were sending all those soldiers over there to die.  He said, "Really?  Then what should we do? Let the people in Kuwait die instead?"  He actually made me stop and think about the consequences of what I was saying. 

No matter what opinion I had, my dad always played the Devil's Advocate.  Most of the time, I could tell that he might not really believe what he was saying, but he wanted to make sure that I really believed what I was saying.

I don't think my dad had some master plan for teaching his children how to think; I'm sure it just came naturally to him to question things, as it now comes naturally to my brother and I.  We are better thinkers and better people because of him.  Although we grew up in Minnesota, he was not a hunter or golfer or fisherman.  He taught us through his example to respect animals and other people and respect ourselves.  And although I've never seen him set foot inside of a church, he taught us to be good to people and do what you can for others.

Now, as an adult, I work for my dad at our family-run company, and he continues to challenge me everyday.  Usually it's just to be funny or in an attempt to annoy me, but he still makes me consider my opinions and then hold strong on them.  And I make it my personal mission in life to liberalize him and repent against his Republican ways.

He's simply a good person who's made me a better person and better parent by his example.

The Sky is NOT Falling

It's funny. I drove in to work this morning and didn't see any houses repainted in rainbow colors. No children being forcibly removed from their parents.  No gay people having naked parades in the streets. I didn't get a notice from my son's school that they would henceforth be teaching the kids how to have the gay sex, nor did I see any churches burning down. 

You'd almost think that Minnesota's marriage equality law didn't pass yesterday. I mean, things just seem so "normal." I don't get it.

I guess the bill doesn't actually get signed until tonight, and the law won't go into effect until this August, so maybe the sky will start falling this summer instead.

Of course, this is really going to change things for my family. Now that "gay marriage" is the law of the land, my own hetero-marriage no longer means anything, so I guess we'll be getting a divorce. He will instead marry a man, and I will marry a woman.  It won't be long before our son comes home and tells us his teacher has picked out a boyfriend for him in his third-grade classroom.

And now that I have to actually explain the gays to the kids, they are going to be so confused and wonder why they even need a mom or dad. After all, the only reason we got married and had a family in the first place is because Jesus told us to. Now I just don't understand what it all meant.

I suppose now my best friend's wedding this summer will be cancelled so she can find a suitable woman to marry instead. I hope she keeps the same bridesmaid dresses though, because I already put a down payment on mine.

Yes, many, many changes are coming. It's going to be insane. You'll see. Just wait until the gays start taking over. It's going to be mass chaos on every level. Just you wait. . . .

Fact vs. Opinion

My 9-year-old son recently brought home a routine reading assignment in which he had to read a story and then answer some questions from the story.  He gets these almost every week, but this one caught my eye because the last question on the sheet was about the difference between "fact" and "opinion."  The story was about some animal helping another animal.  I can't remember what they were, but for the purposes of this retelling, we'll call them a squirrel and a frog.  The question was multiple choice and asked the student to pick out the "fact" amongst the "opinions."  The choices were along the lines of "the squirrel was nice to help the frog," "the squirrel shouldn't have helped the frog," and the "squirrel was bigger than the frog."  My son wanted to go with "the squirrel was nice" answer, so we had a discussion about what "facts" are and what "opinions" are.

I was glad this subject was even broached in today's modern third grade classroom, and wish more adults had to do the same kind of training.  It seems like we now live in a society where fact doesn't even really matter as long as you have opinion on your side.

For example, we know that abstinence only "education" is terribly useless, and does pretty much nothing to prevent sexual activity amongst teens, and therefore does not prevent teen pregnancy or the spreading of STI's.  How do we know this?  We've studied it. And yet, many people still insist that it should be taught because they are of the opinion that teen sex is the worst thing that could ever possibly happen.  But it's just not effective.  Fact vs. opinion.

We also know that evolution happened, and that the Earth is not, in fact, 6,000 years old, despite what the bible may have told you.  How do we know this? We've studied it. And yet, many people still hold the opinion that the bible is right, and that there is some sort of "controversy" we should be teaching kids about regarding evolution.

But my biggest problem with the juxtaposition of facts and opinion these days is in the political sphere. "Obama is a communist!" No, he's not.  That's an opinion based on your dislike of his policies, but it doesn't change the definition of communism and the fact that Obama's policy decisions don't support your belief. "Obamacare is a 'government takeover' of healthcare!" No, it's not. A true government takeover of healthcare would be a British-style national health service. But that's not what Obamacare does. You can dislike it all you want, but you can't claim the "government takeover" bit as a fact. Because it's not. End of story. Fact vs. opinion.

I think the political landscape would be very different if people could agree on which things are "facts" and which things simply are not.  We would still disagree on the "right" way to do things, because we would still have our differing "opinions," but maybe our conversations would be a lot less frustrating and more productive if we agreed to rely on actual evidence.

Mother by Choice

This past weekend I went on a wedding gown shopping trip to the "big city" with my BFF, who's getting married this summer.  While we were at the hotel, I called home using "facetime" so I could say goodnight to my family.  While I was cooing and giving googely faces to my 3-year-old, my BFF was sitting on the other bed quietly laughing to herself.  When I finally got off the phone after the hundredth "nigh, nigh Mommy," she said, "If you could have seen yourself doing that 20 years ago you would NOT have believed it." 

And she's right.  Hell, if you had told me 10 years ago I'd be doing that, I would have said you were crazy. Why? Because I was never, and I mean never, going to have children.  I've never thought much of them.  I've never liked holding other people's babies, and honestly, kids have just always creeped me out a little.  Okay, a lot.

So why the big change?  What led me to making strange faces and kissing an image on an iPhone?

Choice.

I made a choice 11 years ago (and then made one again 4 years ago) to have a baby.  After a couple of years of marriage, I thought to myself, "Maybe trying out that whole 'parenting' thing would be an adventure. I mean, how badly could I mess it up, right? Other people have kids all the time and they seem to enjoy it."

So when I found out I was pregnant, it was a moment of happiness (along with a little bit of sheer terror). I never once had to consider getting an abortion.  My pregnancy was planned and at least mostly healthy.  I was not like the many women who get pregnant every day in much less desirable circumstances.

I always hear the old line "I used to be pro-choice, but then I had a baby."  As if it had never occurred to the person where babies actually come from.  But in my case, being pregnant and having children has made me even more pro-choice (if that's possible).  It's easy to talk about pregnancy in abstract terms when you've never been pregnant.  But when you have, there's a whole new appreciation for the experience to go along with the rhetoric. 

I became more staunchly pro-choice because I realized that pregnancy is no day at the park.  Aside from the obvious things like morning sickness, you don't realize what a huge impact it has on your body until you actually go through it.  I remember feeling like I was going through puberty all over again.  And because my pregnancies were both so very wanted, I was able to stick it out and put up with all the indignities of having your body not really belong to you for a little while.  But that was my choice, and no one got to make it for me.

Today my first baby turns nine, and I'm so very glad I let him share my uterus for awhile.  I'm equally as glad I let my just-turned-three-year-old rent out the space as well.  I made two choices that I'm very proud of.  But that doesn't mean my choice is the same one every woman should make.  Every woman has to weigh the circumstances of her life and her body, and she should be as free to make a choice that fits her life as I was.

Scouting for God

I was blessed on Sunday not only to celebrate my youngest son's 3rd birthday, but also to receive my annual batch of Girl Scout cookies from my niece.  My favorite is the "Lemonades."  Delicious.  I not only enjoy the cookies, but I'm happy to support the Girl Scouts which seems like a tolerant, progressive organization for girls.  Too bad I don't have any girls of my own.

What I do have is boys; two of them, and I would never let them join the Boy Scouts.  Well, unless one of them begged and made me feel bad, in which case I'd probably cave as usual, but that hasn't happened yet so I'm sticking to my guns for now.

You might think my reason for this is their exclusion of gay scouts and troop leaders.  And you'd be right. Somewhat.  I would find it repulsive to support an organization that insists on furthering the myth that all gay men are child molesters, and all gay boys are just "confused" and being influenced by the gay "predators" who are trying to "recruit" them.

But what I would find equally repulsive would be sending my boys into the care of an organization that tells them they are simply not capable of being good, moral citizens without worshipping a god.  In addition to their ban on gay members, the BSA also has a ban on atheist members.  You can be a Boy Scout so long as you acknowledge a god, regardless of who that god is.  But if you don't decide to give the glory to god, it is assumed that you are incapable of being a "good citizen."

My husband and I are trying hard to raise two responsible, compassionate, morally upright, "good" kids, who know that the reason for doing good things is the good they send out into the world; not the fear of spending eternity in hell or the expectation of a reward in heaven.  We teach them that you do the right thing because it's the right thing to do; not because there is an invisible scorekeeper in the sky keeping a tally of their rights and wrongs.

I know that the BSA takes a lot of flack over the gay issue.  And I get why.  It's a big issue.  But to me, unless they are willing to include atheist/secular kids in their ranks, I don't see how my boys would fit in.  Which is sad, because my two adventurous boys would otherwise probably gain a lot of great experience from the program.

But until the scouts realize that any boy; gay, straight, or anywhere in between, can be a great citizen, I remain much more reluctant to purchase Boy Scout popcorn tubs than I am to purchase delicious Girl Scout cookies.

Lifestyle Choices

I’ve got something to say. I’m for equal rights just as much as the next gal, but I am sick and tired of the so called “Christian lifestyle” being shoved down my throat every time I turn around. If people want to be Christian, I guess that’s their business, but why do they have to make such a big show out of it? It seems like everywhere I go these days, I see people going into churches, coming out of churches, going back into churches they just came out of, and then coming out of them again, only to then wander off to the Christian bookstore. It’s enough to make your head spin!

I'm trying to raise my kids with proper morals, and it's very difficult to do when they have their friends telling them that church is "normal."  And the public schools, no less, teaching them that it's "okay" to be Christian by letting the kids write essays about their "alternative" families. How am I supposed to answer their questions when they ask me about the people they see on the street and on TV going to church?  I mean, how am I supposed to explain that to them??!!  And don’t even get me started on their "Christian Rights" parades with everyone dancing around in their pleated Dockers and crucifixes.  I mean, children could be watching that for crying out loud! And worst of all, if the culture around them acts like this is all okay, what if they get to their teenage years and start experimenting with Christianity themselves?!

I'm not saying we should throw them in prison or anything (that’s a debate for another time and place), I'm just saying that they shouldn't get any special rights.  I don't get special rights, so why should they? They're still free to go to community centers if they want to.  Those places do fun stuff too. But if they simply must go to church, I don’t want to see it. That’s it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want my kids to see it. I don’t want my pets to see it. It’s a shameful practice that should be hidden away from the world behind closed doors.

The point is, I don't like Christianity, and therefore we should really not be encouraging it.  We need to keep the traditional definition of who we are. If we start opening the door to Christian rights, it's going to be a slippery slope down to Mormonism.  Soon we'll have street preachers and door knockers and people openly reading their bibles in front of me and my small, impressionable children.  And how am I supposed to take my own secularism seriously if other people are trying to redefine what it means?  This "new normal" is really going to start destroying Unitarian brunch gatherings for everyone.

We need to save the country and the next generation from this menace! Come on people, wake up!!

A personal note to my Christian readers: This is a work of satire.  It is not meant to be taken seriously, only to provoke thought on marriage equality.  I completely support your right to your Christian lifestyle. ;-)

And a humble "thank you" to my baby brother, who helped me tweak this piece with his superior sense of humor.  He should really write his own blog.

Gun Control

It's taken me awhile to write about the Newtown massacre, mainly because I'm a parent and I couldn't wrap my head around it.  But I figured that it's such an epic event that I should really come up with some kind of comment on it, so here goes.

We live in a country that makes the claim that "life is precious."  We seem to have no problem ensuring that laws are passed to prevent women from terminating pregnancies because the potential life in them is so "precious."  We go to sometimes ridiculous lengths to make sure that our children never get hurt on a playground or in a car or while riding a bike.

Yet it seems to me that all of this "caring" is just a facade of sorts.  Our own children are precious to us, but we allow other people's children to go hungry and go without healthcare, and all in the name of "personal responsibility."  We seem to have no problem letting other people's children suffer simply because we don't think their parents are trying hard enough.

So in this kind of atmosphere, how can we even begin to discuss reasonable gun control measures?  After all, the "right" to shoot off multiple rounds at targets is more important to liberty than the life of someone else's child.  I actually had one facebook friend content that these deaths are simply collateral damage; the price we pay for living in a free society.

There are guns in my house.  They are family heirlooms from my husband's family, and they are locked up tight in a heavy gun safe in the basement, where they are rarely, if ever removed.  Do I think we need to ban all guns? No. But do we need to take some kind of drastic action on gun law reform to try to prevent this from happening in the future?  Absolutely.  But I'm not convinced this country has the capacity for adult dialogue anymore.

We are the only industrialized country in the world with such a horrific gun violence problem.  Maybe we need to take a look around the world and see why other countries do so much better than us.  I have a feeling that access to guns is going to be at least part of the solution. Yes, it's the person who commits the crime, not the gun, but the gun makes it a whole lot easier and whole lot more lethal.

But until we make a decision to care about other people's children as much as we care about our own, nothing will change.  Until we collectively decide to put ourselves in the shoes of a parent who has to look at unopened Christmas presents for a child who's never coming home, this problem will not get better.  I wish I felt better about the situation, but I don't.  Not here.  Not in America.

Giving Thanks

Most people in America think of Thanksgiving as a time to thank God for all of their various blessings throughout the year.  But if you're without a belief in a god, as we are, who do you thank for your blessings? So here's a list I made up, just in time for Turkey Day.

• I thank my husband, for giving me two wonderful children and a happy home.
• I thank my children, for keeping my life so full of excitement and love.
• I thank my parents, not for giving me life, as pretty much anyone can do that, but for making my life what it is, and for being such cool people to hang out with during the holidays.
• I thank my in-laws, for treating me as their own, and giving my children such a wonderful extended family.
• I thank my brother and his wife, for being the kind of people that I look forward to spending time with, rather than just being required to spend time with.
• I thank my friends, who always give without being asked, and who keep me tied to my past and looking forward to my future.
• I thank my neighbors, who make this a great neighborhood to live in.
• I thank my dog, Walter, for keeping me on my toes and providing me with endless hours of stupid entertainment.
• I thank the doctors and nurses, who recently patched up my small intestine (again), so I can enjoy a fantastic Thanksgiving meal.
• I thank the local credit union that gave me a reasonable mortgage, so I could live in this beautiful house.
• I thank Facebook, where I can stay in touch with the family and friends I don't normally get to see face-to-face.
• I thank the people who make and sell the gallons of tea I devour each day.
• I thank all the people out there everywhere, making all the things I enjoy every day often with no thanks and at appalling wages.
• I thank Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert for keeping their eyes on all the shenanigans going on in Washington and informing me of them in a pleasing manner.

There are so many people I have to thank for all of the good things in my life, more than I can possibly mention in one meaningless blog post, but none of them are an invisible god.

So tomorrow, my husband and sons will head on over to the in-laws for a wonderful meal. I'll be staying home continuing my recovery from surgery, but that's ok, because I know I'll be there next year.  And anyway, it will give me extra time to catch up on all of the TV shows I'm thankful for, and spend the day perusing Pinterest, one more thing I'm deeply grateful for.  And on Sunday, my family will come over here for a second meal, so I will get to watch my toddler make my mother chase him down and catch him just to get one hug.  It's completely adorable.

Then, at some point this weekend, my husband will put up our Christmas tree, so we can begin our annual "war on Christmas" by partaking in every Christmas tradition imaginable, and all will be right with the world.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Parent Teacher Trouble

Before I begin, a technical note: I will be referring to "Obamacare" in this post.  If that bothers you, sorry.  I know the proper name of the law, I'm just too lazy to type it all out, and I think Obama should be proud of his law and own it.

So I had a weird situation the other day.  I attended my first parent-teacher conference of the year with my son's third grade teacher, who is an amazing woman.  In the short time I've known her, I've found her to be kind, funny, warm and smart.  She's kind of a "grandma" figure to the kids, and my son just loves her.

As the conference began, she asked me about my impending surgery since we've discussed it on and off when I've been in the classroom volunteering.  The conversation came around to medical bills, and she said she's been worrying about me because my medical bills must huge.  At that point, I told her that one good thing about "Obamacare" was that it would end the lifetime cap on coverage which would be huge for me. She agreed but then asked what would happen if it got repealed.

I should interject here to say that I really hesitated to even bring up the issue, because around here, you kind of have to assume that everyone is conservative until proven otherwise.  So it was a subject I broached very tentatively.

Anyway, as the discussion continued, she told me she had heard that there is a provision in Obamacare that pays for all the children of illegal immigrants to go to college for free.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I politely told her that seemed pretty unlikely to me, and asked her if maybe she was thinking of the "Dream Act" (which doesn't do that either, but I can see how the rumor could get around).  She insisted that no, it was in fact Obamacare, and that "we" (I'm assuming she and her husband?) had fact-checked it because they thought it sounded weird too.  I told her it still seemed fishy to me, and she asked me to let her know if I find out differently, at which point our time was about up, so I told her we should probably talk about my son (who, as it turns out, is an amazing, wonderfully kind and funny boy who really needs to work on his reading and math skills).

That night, I spent at least an hour googling and came across nothing, so I resorted to finding the entire text of the law and searching through it for keywords like "education," "immigrants," and "college" and still found nada.

The next day, I emailed the teacher letting her know what I had found (or rather not found).  I'm not sure how often she checks her email though, so I guess we'll see if she sends a response.

The point of this whole story is that even the most intelligent people can believe very unlikely things, and what that could mean for this election and for our future really kind of scares me.  We live in a world where facts aren't always facts, and you can just about always find somethting to back up what you want to believe, no matter what side of the fence you're sitting on.

Ms. vs Mrs.

I have somehow managed to get myself roped into a weekly volunteering gig in my son's 3rd grade class.  It's every Thursday morning, and my job is to help out with the class store, where the kids can purchase second-hand crap (the stuff parents clean out of their kids' rooms and donate instead of throwing away) with their fake money that they earn by doing their homework and being nice to each other.  I think it's a brilliant idea, because even with kids, money really is the best motivator.

The other mom who volunteers at the same time insists that that the kids address her as "Mrs. X."  (X is not her real last name - I'm just trying to maintain a certain level of anonymity here).  The teacher similarly goes by "Mrs. S" (again, not her real name), as do most of the female teachers in the school.  I told everyone to just call me "Amy," but I can see how the school would want kids to maintain a certain level of respect for the adults by addressing them all by their title.

However, the use of "Miss" and Mrs." is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, especially when it involves children.  We're teaching our kids that women are to be identified by whether or not they're married, but men are just men, married or not.  I prefer to be addressed by "Ms." and I wish that were simply the standard for all women, as "Mr." is for all men.  But apparently that sentiment has not reached our small town yet.  In the recent class newsletter, Mrs. S thanked both Mrs. X, and me, Mrs. H, for our help in the classroom. 

So here's my "dilemma."  Do I ask the teacher, who seems like a very reasonable woman, to please henceforth use "Ms. H" instead of "Mrs. H" when referring to me, or do I just play it cool and maintain the status quo so as not to look like a jerk.

One more tidbit to throw into this situation: Mrs. X lives just down the street from me, and is a very conservative Catholic who only recently put her son in public school after having some sort of falling out with the local Catholic school.  Since our sons have come to be friends and spend a lot of time together lately, she has seen the "Vote No on the Marriage Amendment" sign in my yard and probably already finds me to be a little questionable, and getting into the Ms. debate might turn me into a total commie leftist in her eyes, which could affect our sons' friendship I suppose.

So what should I do people?  Leave it alone? Speak up?  What would you do?  I realize this is a really inconsequential "problem" that will not affect the state of the union, but I really would like some advice.

The "Mommy Wars"

This whole kerfuffle about Democratic pundit Hilary Rosen making a statement about Ann Romney never working a day in her life has me more than a little annoyed.  It has revived the non-issue of the "mommy wars" which takes time away from actual issues that affect people on a daily basis.

That being said, here's my 2 cents. Whatever you may think about the way in which Hilary Rosen chose to word her comments, she was right; Ann Romney never has worked a day in her life. 

Does this mean motherhood is not "work?"  No.  I'm a mom; I know it's hard.  But I also know that it's not something I do to earn a paycheck or put food on the table.  It's something I do because I desperately love my children and want to care for them.  It's rewarding beyond words, and a job that I enjoy despite the challenges.

Anyone who can compare raising their children to working in a coal mine or waiting tables has a questionable amount of love for their children.  Motherhood is not a "job" even though it does take work and effort.  I would gladly stay home with my kids all day before I would scrub toilets all day.

So why then do some women "choose" to take a crappy job that earns a paycheck rather than be a stay-at-home mom?  Because they have no choice - that's the point.  Most women in this country do not "choose" to work versus parenting full time.  They are merely a victim of their financial circumstances.

I work, and I enjoy my work.  Personally, I would not feel fulfilled unless I got that daily time in the "real world" that working provides for me.  Could I be stay-at-home mom? Probably.  My lifestyle would have to be severely reduced, but I could probably swing it.  Does the fact that I work mean that I look down on women who stay home with their kids? No.  More power to them.  Some women are natural caregivers and love the opportunity that being a stay-at-home mom brings.  Do I think they look down on me for working? No. I think we're all moms and we all do what we need to do and we all make our own way and that's fine.

The point that Rosen was trying to make was that Ann Romney, being a wealthy woman, has never had to scrub toilets or wait tables.  She doesn't know what it's like to do manual labor all day and then have to come home and care for your children.  She was undoubtedly in a position to hire nannies, housekeepers, and cooks, whether she chose to do so or not.  Most women don't have that luxury.

Yes, parenting is work, but it's fulfilling and fun work that we choose to take on by having kids in the first place.  We love our kids, and no matter how tough it gets, I would never trade mothering for waiting tables, or compare the two in the same breath.  It's insulting to my children.

More Birth Control Ranting

Sorry to harp on this subject for two posts in a row, but the subject of birth control really does warrant consecutive posts, since it seems to be dominating our current national discussion.

I would have thought that 50 years after the introduction of "the pill," the hullabaloo would have subsided a little. Apparently though, the idea that women can and should control their fertility is still a very revolutionary one. What I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around is the thought that somehow not using contraception is a "family value."  It seems to me that contraception is the very foundation of family values.  After all, what better way to promote healthy families than by allowing couples to plan when to have their children and how many they can reasonably manage to care for?  When people are prepared and willing to welcome children into their home, those children will be better provided for and the family as a whole will be stronger.

On a personal note, I have been taking birth control pills since the age of 16.  I had a very smart mother who, although never giving me the impression that my becoming sexually active was ok with her, nevertheless told me that if I simply couldn't talk to her about it, then I should at least go to Planned Parenthood and make sure to be safe about it.  And that's exactly what I did.  And if I hadn't, I would probably now be raising a child with my then boyfriend, who was incredibly abusive on many different fronts.  If I were still with him, I would be miserable, and in turn would probably make a very miserable mother.  If I wasn't still with him, I would be attempting to share custody with a terrible human being and all of the struggle that sort of situation implies, which would probably be very painful for my child(ren).

As it turns out, I didn't end up pregnant as a teenager, and was thus able to leave an abusive relationship, go to college, enter the workforce, and find a more suitable man to marry and raise a family with.  The result?  I have 2 wonderful, happy children who live in a stable, happy home with two parents who are beyond thrilled to have them in their lives.  We were able to have our children at a point in our lives when we were emotionally and financially able to care for them, which means we are able to focus our time and energy on loving them and raising them to be good people, which will, in turn, make them better parents one day.

None of this would have been possible without access to birth control.  And yet, we are made to feel that using this wonderful gift of technology makes us lesser people somehow.  That by taking charge of our fertility, we are "sluts."  For most of human history, pregnancy was an inevitable outcome of having sex, and maybe for that reason it was necessary to use shame as a tool for preventing unwanted pregnancy.  But what's the excuse now?  Why must women continually be told that if they dare to use their bodies for pleasure, they should be willing to submit to the inevitable outcome?  We have the tools to prevent pregnancy now, and women should not be shamed into not using those tools to better their lives, and the lives of their children down the road.

Birth control is THE family value.

The Christmas Conundrum

So, the daily thrust of life has kept me from blogging for awhile.  With a toddler, a 7-year-old, a full-time job and a chronic disease, one doesn't get as much time as one would like to devote to blogging.  However, I really wanted to get out a blog about Christmas, but since I was suffering a family bout of the bubonic plague during Christmas, I'm just getting to it now.

Let me start by saying, I love me some Christmas.  I mean, I'm decking the halls by November 10th.  And for a few years, I really had a mental debate going on in my head as to whether or not it was ok for me to love Christmas so much, what with me being an atheist and all.  But over the past few years, I've come to peace with my merry ways.

I realized that I'm not really celebrating the religious Christmas holiday, but rather the cultural one.  Christmas trees, presents, lights, and all that good stuff I love about Christmas were never really a part of the celebration of Jesus' birth until the church decided to co-op them for their own uses.  Most of the traditions we celebrate every year actually have pagan origins, and the church wisely predicted that if they could integrate these things with their religion somehow, it would persuade more people to convert since they wouldn't have to give up their beloved traditions.

We have no idea when Jesus was born (if he even really existed), so celebrating his birth on December 25th is really rather arbitrary.  Hence the reason we don't set up a nativity scene in our house.  For me, Christmas is a lot more about being close to your family, enjoying good food, giving freely to other people, and getting some sort of warm break from the cold winter.

I always laugh when I hear people decry the "war on Christmas."  As if Christmas in America is just suddenly going to be bombed into oblivion.  We love Christmas.  It's part of our cultural heritage.  Would I like to see the "Christ" taken out of Christmas?  Certainly.  But that doesn't mean I want to quit celebrating it.  I just want to celebrate the things that really matter about the season, like the happy-dance my children do when they open a particularly good present, our once-a-year cheesy egg bake that reminds me of my grandma, and watching the "A Christmas Story" marathon on TNT.  Is that really so wrong?

The Santa Question

We had the "Santa discussion" with our 7-year-old son last night. It actually went pretty well.

I should back up a little and say that I was listening to the audiobook version of "Parenting Beyond Belief" which is a parenting book for atheists. There were a few different takes on the Santa issue in the book.  Some said you should never tell your child that Santa is real to begin with, but since I read the book 7 years into my parenting adventure, that really wasn't an option.  Someone else said that you should reveal the secret at the point when they ask you point blank if Santa is real or not, because otherwise you're just lying to them, and when they eventually figure that out they may not trust you on other issues.

This plan of attack made sense to me.  Last year, when we were driving home one day, he piped up from the backseat and asked "Mom, is Santa really real?"  At that point, I just kind of danced around the issue by saying that some people believe Santa is real, and others don't, and it's really up to you to decide if you believe.  I realized later that this was the exact response I gave him when he asked me if God was real.

So a few days ago, I asked him what he was currently thinking about Santa Claus, and he said that he had a plan this year, whereby he would ask Santa for a certain present and not ask anyone else for it, and then when Santa brought it for him, he would know he was real.  Smart kid. 

You see why I didn't want to have his dreams crushed come Christmas morning.

When we spoke with him last night and told him that we were the ones buying him those "Santa" presents, he smiled.  We asked him how long he had suspected it was us, and he said, "since I was 4."  Again, smart kid.  When we asked him if he was disappointed that Santa wasn't real, he said "no" and then moved on with reading his book. 

Christmas at our house is a purely secular/cultural holiday.  It's all about food, family, and fun (oh, and presents).  I suspect that our son doesn't really care if Santa brings him any presents, as long as someone does and Christmas keeps coming. 

And hopefully, this will be a lesson to him in questioning the things that other people say are true, "just because."  If I can do anything good as a parent, it would be to instill in my sons the need to question and think for themselves.

Father's Day

Since it's Father's Day, I thought it would be a good time to give a little tribute to my dad.

My dad and I have never been your typical father/daughter duo.  We never went to Father/Daughter dances, we don't hug each other and he doesn't have some cutesy pet name for me.  My dad was a teen father and thus was thrown into fatherhood early, only to figure it out for himself. 

The most important thing that my dad has really taught me is that when you have an opinion on something, your opinion better be able to hold up under scrutiny.  As you might imagine, my opinionated beliefs began early in life.  And whenever I would spout off my latest opinion on something, my dad was there to challenge it.  Not in a mean, confrontational way, just in a "Oh ya, well what about this" way.

I remember when I was thirteen and the first gulf war was happening, I told my dad I thought it was horrible that we were sending all those soldiers over there to die.  He said, "Really?  Then what should we do? Let the people in Kuwait die instead?"  He actually made me stop and think about the consequences of what I was saying. 

No matter what opinion I had, my dad always played the Devil's Advocate.  Most of the time, I could tell that he might not really believe what he was saying, but he wanted to make sure that I really believed what I was saying.

I don't think my dad had some master plan for teaching his children how to think; I'm sure it just came naturally to him to question things, as it now comes naturally to my brother and I.  We are better thinkers and better people because of him.  Although we grew up in Minnesota, he was not a hunter or golfer or fisherman.  He taught us through his example to respect animals and other people and respect ourselves.  And although I've never seen him set foot inside of a church, he taught us to be good to people and do what you can for others. 

Now, as an adult, I work for my dad at our family-run company, and he continues to challenge me everyday.  Usually it's just to be funny or in an attempt to annoy me, but he still makes me consider my opinions and then hold strong on them.  And I make it my personal mission in life to liberalize him and repent against his Republican ways.

He's simply a good person who's made me a better person and better parent by his example.

Bible Thumping

While going through my son's backpack last week (on May 10th to be specific), I found a letter telling me that the Gideons would be at my son's PUBLIC elementary school on May 10th handing out bibles.  The letter was dated May 6th but somehow didn't make it into his backpack until the 10th (I check it every day).  So even if I had wanted to do something to prevent it, I wouldn't have been able to.

This also happened last year, while he was in kindergarten.  I was outraged by it then, but didn't do anything.  I just had a talk with my son telling him he didn't need to take a book if it was offered to him because we already have one at home and it was wasteful.  Never mind that we all teach our kids to avoid strange men in the street handing them free things.

My problem now is, what exactly am I supposed to do about this?  The letter specifically says the guy is on the street, which I'm sure makes it legal somehow.  And since they do it at every school then it's not really something the principal has control over.  If I go to the superintendent he'll just tell me they're not doing anything illegal.

This really pisses me off.

Mother's Day

I must say, Mother's Day is one of my favorite days of the year.  It's the one day of the year when my husband wakes up early, gets the kids up, and they all leave the house for the morning, leaving me to sleep in and then enjoy my cup of tea in peace and catch up on all of my violent TV shows instead of watching Go, Diego, Go.  It's a wonderful, wonderful gift.

For all the hoopla surrounding Mother's Day though, we don't seem to give much respect to mothers in this county.  We're asked to give birth to a child (usually working up until the day we deliver), and then get our lazy asses back to work after about 4 to 6 weeks.  If you've ever had a newborn, you know that 4-6 weeks is not enough time to adjust to sleepless nights and spending every waking moment caring for your baby. 

Every civilized country in the world has a vastly more generous policy on maternity leave than we do here in the land of the free.  They recognize that motherhood is an overwhelming and life changing experience, and they honor that fact. 

Here we just demand that women carry babies to term no matter what their circumstances, then provide no daycare or health care assistance to them and talk shit about them for not working hard enough when they get stuck below the poverty line.

Happy Mother's Day!

National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Today is the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, so it's time to think about what we as adults can do to try to curb the epidemic of teen pregnancy in our communities.

One thing going on in my community is the Wellness Educators program.  It's a program that teaches teens about various wellness issues (birth control, substance abuse, nutrition, suicide prevent, etc.) and then tasks them with mentoring the peers about what they've learned.  There's also a service learning component in which they have to work for various community organizations.

There used to be a similar program (although it was just for boys) called "Wize Guyz" that was run by the local Planned Parenthood office.  That one was seen by the community as a ploy by PPH to get their evil claws into our children for the purpose of teaching them how to have rampant orgies and abortions.  Wellness Educators is run through Sexual Assault Services, so it's seen as more acceptable by the community.  I guess sexual assault is better than planning parenthood.

I'll be heading over to the WE session tonight to help them make buttons.  What will you do today to help engage the youth in your community?