Are you someone who is worried about being accused of sexual harassment? Do you live in perpetual fear that someone you flirted with might accuse you of having done something inappropriate, thereby ruining your reputation as a "good guy?" Well fear no more, dear readers! This post is for you!**Please note, this post will ONLY help you avoid charges of sexual harassment, not rape. I'm saving rape for a different post.**
(Okay, that sounded weird. . . .)
The Liberal House on the Prairie Handy Dandy Step-by-Step Guide to Not Being Accused of Sexual Harassment™
Let's take this in stages. If you've ever asked yourself any of the
following questions, refer to my practical advice on how to make sure you don't
later get accused of doing something "bad."
Section 1 - Dick Pics
Q: I like someone, and I want to send them a dick pic. Is that
okay?
Follow these steps to decide
what to do:
Step 1. Is your dick the most majestic, most glorious dick
that this person will probably ever have seen?
- Yes? Proceed to step 2.
- No? Proceed to step 2.
Step 2. Has this person specifically asked you to send them
a dick pic?
- Yes? Congratulations! You can send the dick pic!
- No? Proceed to step 3.
Step 3. Is the person you want to send the dick pic to
someone you know?
- Yes? Proceed to step 4.
- No? Proceed to step 5.
Step 4. Ask the person, politely, if you may send them a
dick pic. What is their answer?
- Yes? Congratulations! You can send the dick pic!
- No? Proceed to step 5.
Step 5. DO. NOT. SEND. THE. DICK. PIC. FULL STOP.
Section 2 - Flirting in Real Life (or "IRL" as the kids say)
Q: I like someone, and I'd like to flirt with them. Is that okay?
Follow these steps to decide
what to do:
Step 1. Are you drunk?
- Yes? Rethink this whole thing and maybe try again when you're sober.
- No? Proceed to step 2.
Step 2. Approach the person and engage in light, not creepy
conversation. Examples include, "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" or
"Hi, my name is <insert real name here>. I saw you from across the
room and decided I just really wanted to meet you." Ask them if they'd
like to talk and/or get some coffee. What is their response?
- Yes? Proceed to step 3.
- "Sure, maybe, sometime. . . .I have to go check on my friends. . . " Proceed to step 5.
- No? Proceed to step 5.
Step 3. Get to know them. Ask them questions about their
interests. Try not to be creepy about it. Ask them if they'd like to meet again
for a date. How do they answer?
- Yes? Proceed to step 4.
- "Sure, maybe, sometime. . . .I have to go check on my friends. . . " Proceed to step 5.
- No? Proceed to step 5.
Step 4. Go out on a date with them. Repeat this process
until you're either in a committed relationship with them or you part ways.
Step 5. Leave them alone! They're not interested!
FFS!
- Do NOT continue to ask them either now or at a later date.
- Do NOT explain to them how much you really like them (because that doesn't fucking matter - they owe you nothing).
- You are going to turn into a straight up stalker and be accused of sexual harassment. Because you are now committing sexual harassment.
Section 3 - Flirting Online
Q: I like someone, and I'd like to flirt with them on the
website/app of my choice. Is that okay?
Follow these steps to decide
what to do:
Step 1. Are you drunk?
- Yes? Rethink this whole thing and maybe try again when you're sober.
- No? Proceed to step 2.
Step 2. Are you on Facebook?
- Yes? First consider that for most people, Facebook is not a dating site. Most people are NOT there looking for new romantic relationships. But if you must, proceed to step 3, with caution.
- No? Proceed to step 3.
Step 3. Follow ALL of the same rules from Section 2, as
well as reviewing Section 1.
- Even though you're online, there's an actual human being at the other end of that Internet connection.
- Your actions online have real life consequences. Don't believe me? Ask Anthony Weiner. Although, if you do ask him, you'll probably get an unsolicited dick pic in return. So maybe don't ask him.
Step 4. If, at ANY time, the person you are flirting with
online asks you to stop contacting them, stop contacting them.
- No need to respond with a "fine, you're a skanky ass bitch anyway." Just leave it alone. Cease contact, and leave them the fuck alone.
- Do not explain to them how you REALLY like them (because that doesn't fucking matter - they owe you nothing).
- You are going to turn into a straight up stalker and be accused of sexual harassment. Because you are now committing sexual harassment.
Section 4 - Workplace Crushes
Q: I like someone at work and would like to pursue them romantically. Is that okay?
Follow these steps to decide
what to do:
Step 1. Read this article, because it puts it into
much better perspective than I can. And because my fingers are getting tired
from typing.
Section 5 - Being in a Position of Power
Q: I'm the President of
the United States and I really want to hit on some chicks. Is that okay?
A: No. Absolutely not. You're
a fucking monster who should be in prison for a variety of reasons.
So there you have it. Everything you need to make good choices going
forward and not be accused of sexual harassment. You're all set! You got this.
I believe in you.
