#IStandWithPlannedParenthood

Luckily for my avid readers, I just finished watching the shitshow of a "hearing" to de-fund Planned Parenthood, so you don't have to. I watched the first one on Sept 9th, which was similarly horrible, but the McCarthy-esque witch hunt against Cecile Richards last Tuesday was an absolute travesty beyond words. 

So, without further adieu, here is my summarized transcript of the entire hearing.

Generic Republican 1: "Thanks for coming Ms. Richards. You suck and we all hate you more than you can possibly imagine."

Cecile Richards: "No problem. I love to spend my time answering stupid questions from stupid people."

G.R.1.: "Are you aware that Planned Parenthood SELLS BABY PARTS???!!!!!"

C.R.: "No, actually we don't."

G.R.1.: "Yes you do!! I saw it on a video!!"

C.R.: "Again, no we don't."

G.R.1.: "Okay, then how about you tell me how much profit you make MURDERING INNOCENT BABIES!!"

C.R.: "We're a non-profit organization. We don't make a 'profit' on anything."

G.R.1.: "Yeah right. I'm a Republican so I know how business works. You're making a profit on abortion, and it's huge."

C.R.: "We're not a business, we're a nonprofit organization. We don't make a profit. On anything."

G.R.1.: "Why are you being so secretive about how much profit you make on abortions?!"

C.R.: "I'm not being secretive. We gave you copies of all of our financial statements already. We don't make a profit."

G.R.1.: "Look at this chart I found that shows how many abortions you do and how many Pap smears you DON'T. Why do you do so many abortions?! I hate abortions!!"

C.R.: "That chart is from an anti-abortion group. And it's not actually a chart."

G.R.1.: "Agree to disagree."

Generic Democrat 1: "I'm so sorry my idiot colleagues are being such assholes. We all know this is a charade."

C.R.: "Thanks. You rock."

Generic Republican 2: "You're a horrible person. I don't know how you sleep at night. I have grand-kids you know. Why do you want to kill my grand-kids?!."

C.R.: "I don't."

G.R.2.: "Yeah right, you just LOVE murdering grand-babies. And while we're on the subject, why should taxpayers have to pay for your abortions?"

C.R.: "They don't. Federal tax money can't go to abortion. You know this."

G.R.2.: "But you're doing it anyway, right?"

C.R.: "No."

Generic Democrat 2: "We're all so sorry these pricks are being such pricks. Seems like we could be doing something better with our time."

C.R.: "Probably."

Generic Republican 3: "Why aren't you giving people more mammograms? My mom had breast cancer, so I love mammograms. How many of those do you do?"

C.R.: "We've actually never done mammograms at Planned Parenthood. We don't have radiology facilities. We do breast exams, and refer people who need mammograms to radiology clinics. Just like every other doctor in the world."

G.R.3.: "But you 'claim' to do breast exams."

C.R.: "Actually, breast exams and mammograms are two different things."

G.R.3.: "Ha! So you ADMIT that you don't do mammograms!?"

C.R.: "Yup, you got me."

Generic Democrat 3: "Seriously though, I am SO sorry about this."

Generic Republican 4: "Ms. Richards, can you please explain to me why you 'claim' to do breast exams, when your reports show that you don't seem to do ANY mammograms?"

C.R.: "Jesus Christ. Did we not just go through this?"

G.R.4.: "I'm just trying to figure out why y'all think you're so great over there at 'Planned Parenthood' when you obviously aren't doing any of the mammograms you claim to be doing. I mean, if you 'care' about women so much, why are you letting them all die from breast cancer?!"

C.R.: <look of disbelief>

Generic Democrat 4: "I just can't even believe this shit."

Generic Republican 5: "Ms. Richards, did you know that my wife is a nurse? She's a woman. And she's pro-life. BOOM! There goes your stupid idea about women wanting choices."

C.R.: "That's great. Life is about choices. Your wife is free to believe whatever she wants to."

G.R.5.: "Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Don't you know he hates abortions? Why can't you just stop it with the abortions?! STOP IT!!! NOW!!!

C.R.: "Uuuummmmm. . . ."

Generic Democrat 5: <shakes head in sad and hopeless manner>

Generic Republican 6: "Can we go back to this mammogram issue?"

Like, 60 hours later. . . . 

Generic Republican 17: "I still don't understand why y'all are lying about the mammograms."

Generic Democrat 16: "I can't believe we're still here."

Generic Republican 18: "Let's go back to the chart we saw earlier."

C.R.: "Still not accurate, and still not a chart."

G.R.18.: "I want to know why your Pap smear numbers are going down while your abortion numbers are going up. It's because you just love doing abortions way more and are refusing to give women Pap smears, right?"

C.R.: "Actually, it's because the medical guidelines have changed so that most women only need a Pap smear every three years instead of every one year. It's science."

G.R.18.: "But that doesn't account for the number of Pap smears going down."

C.R.: "Actually, it does."

G.R.18.: "Nuh uh. You're probably just refusing to give women their Pap smears so you can free up more time for abortions. You're probably keeping women from getting Pap smears just like you're denying them mammograms. Have I mentioned what a horrible person you are?"

C.R.: "Yes, you have. Thank you."

Generic Democrat 17: "For the love of God. Is this really happening?"

Generic Republican 19: "Madam, I don't know how you sleep at night. I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but you are the scum on the bottom of the devil's shoes. I wish we could still burn sinners like you alive. In fact, I'm authoring a bill to do just that as we speak. Not only do you cut up babies into tiny pieces, which I know for a fact because I heard there was a video of it, but you also have the audacity to deny women desperately needed mammograms. How dare you madam? How dare you?"

C.R.: "Was that a question?"

Generic Republican 20: "It has come to my attention that you have a higher salary than I do. I'm a Congressman. And a man! And I'm white!! How is that fair?! If you really cared about women like you claim to, you'd take all that fancy money that you spend on shoes and lipstick and use it to give women mammograms! The nerve of some people!!"

Generic Republican 21: "Can you tell me why you only give money to Democrats? I mean, Republicans like money too. Seems pretty partisan to me. Super unfair. Are you involved in some sort of conspiracy with the Democrat Party? You are, right? Why should the taxpayers give you all this money for abortions when you just turn around and give it all to the goddamned Democrats?! Huh? Explain that!!"

C.R.: "Again, taxpayers don't pay for abortions, and we'd be happy to give money to any Republicans who support a woman's right to choose. Unfortunately, they don't seem to exist."

Generic Republican 22: "Can we just get back to why you do SO MANY abortions and SO FEW mammograms??!!"

Generic Republican 23: "I still want to know why you're being so dodgy about how few Pap smears you do. Is it because you use all that taxpayer money for abortions instead?! Huh? HUH??!!"

Like, 127 hours later. . . 

Generic Democrat 23: "Well, I think we can all agree that we've learned nothing useful here today. You're welcome taxpayers.

**************************************************************************

NOTE: The above was a piece of satire. The actual hearing was about a million times more ridiculous. You can watch it here if you want your brain to melt permanently.

Congressional Sideshow

I've just spent a few hours listening to the clusterfuck that was today's House Judiciary Committee hearings on de-funding Planned Parenthood.  I can't even attempt to clarify all of my thoughts on the horror show I just witnessed, so I think I'll just go into a free-form rant.

What the fuck Congress?!

Really?! There's NOTHING more pressing to the country than putting on a 3-ring circus to trot out every tired old stereotype about abortion and Planned Parenthood?

There were four witnesses at this hearing. Three were "pro-life," and one was "pro-choice." So that's definitely fair. Not a single one of the four was actually any sort of medical expert, and not a single one had any actual affiliation with Planned Parenthood.  In fact, Planned Parenthood wasn't even invited to defend themselves!

Let's be clear. The government does not just hand over a stack of cash to Planned Parenthood every year. When they talk about "de-funding" Planned Parenthood, what they're actually talking about is just excluding people who are on Medicaid from using Planned Parenthood as their provider, and preventing Planned Parenthood from using Title X birth control funding from going to underwrite birth control expenses for Planned Parenthood patients (not abortion!). Federal money already doesn't go to abortion due to the stupid fucking Hyde Amendment.

Two of the witnesses were "abortion survivors." People who were the product of a "botched abortion." While they had heartfelt stories to tell, they had no actual understanding of what Planned Parenthood actually does; they were just there because they want to end abortion. They were trotted out as props of the anti-choice movement. Their quarrel isn't necessarily with Planned Parenthood, but with abortion in general. Abortion is already legal. End of story. So what the fuck is this even about?!

And Jesus Christ, if I had a nickel for every mention of God in this proceeding, I'd finally be a rich blogger! Is this how we legislate now? My religious feelings were hurt, so let's make it illegal? Oh yeah, I forgot, that IS how we legislate now. The religious sentiments of the minority now outweigh the rights of the majority.

And this whole "I don't want my tax dollars to fund abortion" shtick is getting just a little bit nauseating. You know what I don't want MY tax dollars going to? Crisis pregnancy centers, fighting never ending wars in the Middle East, tax breaks to corporations, need I go on? But guess what, our tax system is not á la carte. None of us get to pick and choose what our taxes do and don't fund, except through the system by which we elect representatives. and from the Republican crop of Congressmen I just saw, we're not doing a very good job at that. 

All this hearing did was allow a bunch a biblical literalist blowhards to pontificate on their poor hurt feelings over the fact that their precious tax dollars go to an organization they don't agree with. An organization, to be clear, which PREVENTS more abortions than ANY other single organization in the country! What in the hell do they not get about the link between low cost birth control and preventing abortion??!!

No wonder people hate politics when this is what we have to work with! The rank stupidity and lack of ability to comprehend nuance is just gross. I get why anti-abortion advocates don't like abortion. It's easy to understand because it doesn't require any sort of thoughtful reflection. Abortion = murder, God says so, end of story. I get that. What I don't get is their willful ignorance to even attempt to understand why bodily autonomy might be important to women! I realize it requires more than a modicum of thinking to wrap your brain around, but could they at least give it a try sometime?!

I just can't. I'm so sick of this shit. We have totally given up on rationality and evidence based discussion and given in to pandering of the most sickening kind. I think I'm going to need a month long break from the media after this. If you want to watch this appalling shit show for yourself, which I would not recommend, you can do so here.  But seriously, do yourself a favor and watch cute kitten videos instead.


P.S. - If you want to hear a more thoughtful and less profane version of my thoughts on this, listen to my recent interview on the Sober Atheist podcast.

What Planned Parenthood REALLY does.

With all the current controversy surrounding Planned Parenthood, my head has been spinning with the sheer volume of misleading and simply untrue things being said about the organization.  I used to work at Planned Parenthood, so I figure I'm in a position to put at least some of these untruths to rest.

I worked in one of PPH's many small town family planning clinics.  We did not do abortions at our clinic, as most PPH's don't.  Only one PPH clinic in Minnesota actually performs abortions.  The other 23 do pretty much the same thing as my clinic did. We provided birth control to people.  As well as pap smears, breast exams, STD tests and treatment, and pregnancy tests.

I think much of the controversy surrounds what takes place after those pregnancy tests, so I'll tell you exactly how we handled them.  First of all, we did the test, which took five minutes to run.  Unlike the crisis pregnancy centers, we didn't tell the woman the test would take half an hour and then force her to sit in a room looking at images of fetuses.

When I was trained in to deliver pregnancy test results, here's what I was told to do: 

If the test was negative, I was to encourage the woman to come back to get birth control (which usually involved getting a pap smear, which is why they would have to come back). 

If it was positive, the first step was to ask them if they were surprised by the result and if they had thought at all about what they would do if the test was positive.  Most of them had, since they were already there for the test. 

If they said, "I want to keep the baby" then we handed them a pregnancy resources guide which had the names of maternal help organizations, along with an application for Medicaid if they weren't insured. 

If they said. "I've been thinking about adoption," then we handed them the same pregnancy resources guide which also had the names of several adoption agencies in it.

If they said, "I'm thinking about getting an abortion," then we handed them the same pregnancy resources guide which also had the phone number for the Planned Parenthood clinic which did abortions.  If they asked for more information on abortion, we were not allowed to give it to them.  We simply pointed again to the phone number and told them to direct all their questions to the people at that phone number.

And under no circumstances, ever, were we instructed or permitted to try to influence the woman in any way as to what she wanted to do about the pregnancy.  That was her decision to make, not ours.  We simply provided her with the resources she asked for and let her take it from there, using her own judgement and support system.

When I hear PPH being so demonized by Michele Bachmann and her ilk, it really makes me angry.  Not only because of how wrong they are in their assumptions, but also because they are defaming the many wonderful, caring people I worked with over the years.  I never once met a co-worker who was there to benefit from the windfalls of "big abortion."  My co-workers were genuinely warm and giving people who were there to help women (and men).  They were there because they deeply believed that all people should be able to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy.  We tried our very best to prevent unwanted pregnancies to begin with, and when that failed, we allowed women to  decide their own futures with whatever help they needed from us.

Women's Expo Wrap Up

For all of you followers on the edge of your seats; yes, I did make it out of the hospital in time to staff our pro-choice booth at the local women's expo last Saturday.  And what an exciting day it was. . . .

One of my favorite booth visitors was a kind old gentleman who shuffled up to our booth with his wife (I'm assuming - she never said anything).  He took a look at the sign we have hanging under our banner that reads "Pro-Child, Pro-Family, Pro-Choice," and exclaimed, "Oh, good for you! This is great - what a great booth!  Are you a local organization then?"  I responded that yes, our group is local and fairly small as he looked over the materials on our table.  He looked at the sign again and suddenly looked at me and said, "Wait a minute - that says 'pro-choice.'  Do you advocate abortion?!"  I replied with "No, I don't, but I think that everyone should be able to make up their own mind on the issue," and before I could even get the whole sentence out he raised his cane up, waved it at me and shouted "Oh for crying out loud!!"  He backed away from the booth still waving his cane at me and shouted something about parenthood, but by then I couldn't really hear him anymore.  I was thinking too hard about the powerful and thoughtful argument he had presented me with and starting to change my mind on the issue.

Another man came up to the table (he was a vendor from another booth) and also looked at our sign with approval, then bought one of our buttons that read "pro-family, pro-choice."  He signed up on our email list, then told us that he had gotten into a heated argument with someone the other day over "this issue."  He said that his friend was talking to him about the Planned Parenthood funding hoopla.  As he was telling us this, he spit out the words "Planned Parenthood" as if he had vomited them into his mouth.  He asked his friend why, if they were in favor of funding PPH, they weren't in favor of giving just as much money to Birthright?  The two of us at the booth just stood there puzzled as he nodded at us and quietly walked away telling us "thank you" for the button.

Is it really that foreign to people that you can be pro-child, pro-family AND pro-choice?  I think people thought that we were doing some sort of false advertising, but we really feel that the pro-child, pro-family, pro-choice thing properly describes our group.  A large percentage of the people in our group are mothers, and isn't everybody "pro-family?"

Of course, what we got the most of during the day was a constant stream of young women taking a condom out of our basket, pondering it for a minute, then saying something like "it's too late for me."  We heard stories all day of young mothers who had no knowledge of (or access to) birth control.  One girl told me that she had worn a purity ring and then proceeded to get pregnant her first time (she had always heard that you couldn't get pregnant the first time).  When I told her that there have been studies done which have proven that purity rings serve no purpose at all in delaying sex, she seemed genuinely shocked.  I think that all this time she's been carrying around some kind of guilt, feeling like she's the ONLY one who ever broke the purity ring promise.  I felt bad for her.

We also had a mom who was outraged that her 15-year-old daughter had been able to get birth control pills at a PPH clinic.  She told us that she had "control" over whether or not her daughter got pregnant now.  I asked her how she had control over that and she said her daughter was grounded.

We did however get a few cool moms who picked up some condoms to put in their teenagers' Easter baskets.  One said that although she knew her precious babies wouldn't need them, maybe they had a friend they could give them to, then they all laughed.  It was a refreshing bit of realism in a day filled with people wearing blinders.

What is wrong with these people?

So our federal government is about to shut down because the tea baggers feel so strongly that women (and men for that matter) should not be allowed to have access to birth control.  Their hatred of Planned Parenthood runs so deep that they're willing to paralyze the government to shut them down.  Federal law already prohibits spending federal dollars on abortion, so what more do they want?  Well, I'll spell it out for you.  They want everyone in America to just keep their pants on until they are legally wed and then have as many children as god feels compelled to send their way.  Yes, that's realistic.  Let's go with that plan.  I'm pretty sure it will work out just swimmingly.

I thought they were all about personal responsibility. . .

Since 1971, Minnesota has had a law that allows teenagers to get reproductive medical care without their parents' consent (as well as substance abuse and mental health care).  "But I have to sign a form to allow the school to give my child an aspirin" you might say.  "But I don't want my child getting medications without knowing about it" you might also say.  Or you might say, "But I want my child to feel comfortable talking to me about these things."

Here's the problem: your teenager doesn't feel uncomfortable asking you for an aspirin and thus will probably get the medical care they need in that situation.  It seems like once you become a parent, you immediately forget what it was like to be a teenager.  I don't.  I vividly remember the discomfort I felt even thinking about approaching my parents to discuss sex. 

But guess what?  I was lucky enough to live in Minnesota where I could walk into a Planned Parenthood clinic on my own and get a prescription for birth control pills (as well as a pap smear, a UTI test and a talk with a qualified medical professional about keeping myself safe and healthy).  And guess what happened?  I didn't get pregnant as a teenager.  In fact, I waited until I was 27 and fully ready to have a baby, and it was the most wonderful experience of my life.  I've never had to have an abortion, and I've never had an STD.  And even if I had, I would have been able to go and get myself treatment on my own instead of waiting around while chlamydia took my fertility away.

What's the moral of this story?  Of course parents want their kids to feel comfortable coming to them when these issues arise, but most simply don't, and many have parents who would be hostile or downright abusive if their child ever tried to ask them about birth control.  So isn't it better that we let them take care of themselves and prevent something bad from happening?  I'll trade complete and total openess for a happy, healthy child.

Why do I bring this up you might be asking?  Well, the MN GOP (at the instruction of the Family Council I'm sure) is trying to get rid of this law, and I think it would be a tragedy if they suceeded.  So PLEASE contact your representative and senator to let them know that this is an important law that needs to be maintained.  Tell them NOT to repeal minors' consent for health care.