Liberal House at the Fair - Part One

I had the opportunity last week to staff the DFL booth at the county fair (that's "Democrat-Farmer-Labor" party for all you non-Minnesotans out there). There really aren’t tons of our kind in this red county, so I try to step up and help out if I can. We need to stick together.

While I was doing some serious people watching from my chair at the booth, a woman came up to me and initiated a conversation. She told me that while she’s not a Republican, she just can’t get on board with the Democrats because of the “gun issue.”  The rest of the conversation went a little something like this, although this is abridged for length purposes, and probably not verbatim due to me not possessing a photographic memory:

Me: “So what are the policies you see happening that are changing your ability to own or use your guns?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you kidding me?!”

Me: “No, I’m really not. I’m curious what the policies are because I personally haven’t seen anything change in the past several years. We have guns in our house, my in-laws all have guns in their houses, and no one has had to give anything up. What policies do you mean?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you KIDDING me?!”

Me: “No, I’m really not. I’m trying to be genuine with you here. I want to know what laws are being changed because I want to be informed as much as you do. Can you give me something more specific?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you KIDDING me?!”

We went around in circles like this for awhile, until her husband walked up to help her out.

Her (looking at her husband): “She doesn’t even know about what the Democrats are doing to gun rights!”

Her (looking back at me): “I just can’t believe that you have no idea about what your own party is doing!”

Him (shaking his head at me condescendingly): “Listen, the problem with Obama is he thinks the whole country is like Chicago, so he wants to make sure nobody has weapons. But they’ve done studies that show that in the places with the least restrictions on guns, they also have the lowest crime rates. Because when you don’t know who around you has a gun, you’re less likely to commit a crime.”

Me: “Well, honestly, it wouldn’t make me feel any safer to think this entire crowd could be carrying concealed guns.  I mean, I’m sure you’re a perfectly normal guy, but how do I really know if you’re crazy or not? And I’ve heard the complete opposite of that statistic; that the states that have the tightest gun control also have the lowest crime rates.”

Her: “Where did you hear that from?”

Me: “I don’t know, I guess I can’t pinpoint the exact study I read.”

Her: “Well, give me your email address and I’ll email you the correct stories. Because I don’t get all of my news from one place. I watch Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC, and none of them give you the whole story.”

Me (writing my email address on a scrap of paper and handing it her): “Yes, please. I’d love to read it. I think it’s important to revaluate your position based on new evidence, so I’ll be interested to see what you send. Like I said, I know a lot of hunters and even I have guns in my house.”

Him: “Oh, and let me tell you something else. This whole issue has nothing to do with ‘hunting.’ It’s about our freedom to protect ourselves from the government if some crazy dictator takes over the government.”

Me: “Ya, but I mean, we live in a democracy. How likely do you really think it is for a dictator to take over?”

Him: “It happens all the time! What do you think America was like before 1776?!”

Me: “Well, it was a monarchy.”

Him: “What?”

Me: “You know, a monarchy? A king? There was a king in charge of everything but now we have a democracy, so I’m just not sure that we’re facing an inevitable dictatorship. And even if we were, I’m not sure guns would keep us safe. I mean, the government already has drones and nuclear weapons.”

Him: “Exactly! That’s why we need to be able to protect ourselves! I’ll tell you one thing. I’m a Christian, and if you’re a Christian in this country, you’re put on a terrorist watch list. Did you know that? I’m on a terrorist watch list! And if you belong to a pro-life group, you’re considered part of a ‘hate group.’ And you can take that to the bank.”

Me (getting increasingly annoyed because he pulled out the ‘Christian victimization’ card): “How do you know that? I find that a little hard to believe.”

Him: “A friend of mine told me.”

Me (a little worried about what’s going to come out of my mouth right now): “Well, I’m going to share something pretty personal with you here. I’m an atheist, and if I had to guess, I would say that at least 90% of the Democrats I know are Christians. So if anyone is going to be looked at closely or put on a watch list, it’s probably me. It's certainly not as if the atheists have taken over the Democratic party.”

Him (probably horrified to learn that he’s been arguing with the anti-Christ): “Ya well, those other Democrats are probably on a watch list too then. Obama’s keeping an eye on them all to make sure Christians don’t get too much power in this country.”

Me (seeing this conversation going absolutely nowhere): “So let me just ask you this then; do you think private citizens should have the right to own any weapons that the military has? Like drones, grenades, nuclear weapons?”

Him: “Well, there already are limits. You have to have a license to have a blah, blah, blah. . . .”

Me (cutting him off): “No, I mean, in your perfect world, if you got to decide, should we all be able to own any technology that the military has access to? If your concern is protecting yourself from the government, shouldn’t you be able to have all the same stuff the government has?”

Him (looking perplexed): “Well, I don’t know. Probably, ya.”

Her: “We really need to get going. I’ll email you those articles.”

Me: “Yes, please do. I’ll keep an eye out for them. Thanks!”

At one point, I did try to point out that while yes, there is a lot of fear in America right now, that the fear seems to really benefit gun manufacturers the most. All I got in return was an eye roll and an incredulous “that has nothing to do with it.” I brought the gun lobby issue up more than once, but I guess I must have just sounded like a crazy conspiracy theorist to them.

I still haven’t gotten any emails. But I have a whole new understanding of Obama’s plan for his evil empire. Good thing I’m not a Christian or I might be scared and run right out to buy a whole bunch of new guns. That is, if you could even still purchase a gun in America, which you clearly can't.

Lifestyle Choices

I’ve got something to say. I’m for equal rights just as much as the next gal, but I am sick and tired of the so called “Christian lifestyle” being shoved down my throat every time I turn around. If people want to be Christian, I guess that’s their business, but why do they have to make such a big show out of it? It seems like everywhere I go these days, I see people going into churches, coming out of churches, going back into churches they just came out of, and then coming out of them again, only to then wander off to the Christian bookstore. It’s enough to make your head spin!

I'm trying to raise my kids with proper morals, and it's very difficult to do when they have their friends telling them that church is "normal."  And the public schools, no less, teaching them that it's "okay" to be Christian by letting the kids write essays about their "alternative" families. How am I supposed to answer their questions when they ask me about the people they see on the street and on TV going to church?  I mean, how am I supposed to explain that to them??!!  And don’t even get me started on their "Christian Rights" parades with everyone dancing around in their pleated Dockers and crucifixes.  I mean, children could be watching that for crying out loud! And worst of all, if the culture around them acts like this is all okay, what if they get to their teenage years and start experimenting with Christianity themselves?!

I'm not saying we should throw them in prison or anything (that’s a debate for another time and place), I'm just saying that they shouldn't get any special rights.  I don't get special rights, so why should they? They're still free to go to community centers if they want to.  Those places do fun stuff too. But if they simply must go to church, I don’t want to see it. That’s it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want my kids to see it. I don’t want my pets to see it. It’s a shameful practice that should be hidden away from the world behind closed doors.

The point is, I don't like Christianity, and therefore we should really not be encouraging it.  We need to keep the traditional definition of who we are. If we start opening the door to Christian rights, it's going to be a slippery slope down to Mormonism.  Soon we'll have street preachers and door knockers and people openly reading their bibles in front of me and my small, impressionable children.  And how am I supposed to take my own secularism seriously if other people are trying to redefine what it means?  This "new normal" is really going to start destroying Unitarian brunch gatherings for everyone.

We need to save the country and the next generation from this menace! Come on people, wake up!!

A personal note to my Christian readers: This is a work of satire.  It is not meant to be taken seriously, only to provoke thought on marriage equality.  I completely support your right to your Christian lifestyle. ;-)

And a humble "thank you" to my baby brother, who helped me tweak this piece with his superior sense of humor.  He should really write his own blog.

Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas

It's that time of year again.  My favorite time of year.  Christmas.  You know, the holiday we atheists are trying to wage a war on. But oddly enough, I have no interest in waging war on Christmas, and I think if you talked to most atheists, they would feel more or less the same. 

If you live in America, you probably grew up with Christmas in one way or another.  But to the dismay of many Christians, the holiday itself has virtually nothing to do with Christ.  Almost everything you think of when you think "Christmas" has little or nothing to do with Christianity.  Christmas trees, for example, have their roots in paganism, as do the yule log and most of the other decorative aspects of Christmas.  And how do Frosty the Snowman and Santa Claus relate to Jesus?  They don't.  How do we know that Jesus was born on December 25th?  We don't.  In fact historians pretty much agree that he wasn't, if he even existed at all, which is a debate for another time.

But the main crux of the outcries over the "War on Christmas" is the reluctance of us secular progressives to solely use the term "Merry Christmas" when sending greetings to others at this time of year. What they don't seem to get, is that Jesus really isn't the reason for the season.  Winter holidays existed long before the time of Jesus, and it was about gathering with family to celebate and get a break from the hard, cold, dark winter.  In essence, that's what we're all really still celebrating.

I have no problem with saying "Merry Christmas" to people, if I know for a fact that Christmas is what they're actually celebrating.  However, if I'm talking to someone I don't know well, then I probably don't know if they're Jewish, or Muslim, or one of the other countless numbers of people who don't in fact celebrate Christmas in America.  We are, after all, a melting pot of cultures.  "Happy Holidays" is a safe, inclusive alternative to show that you respect whatever this time of year means to whoever you're addressing.  Especially if you run a business, why would you want to potentially alienate a large number of your clientele just to prove some stupid point?

What really bothers me is the fact that these days, there are people who hurl the phrase "Merry Christmas" at you as though it's some kind of warning.  As though they're trying to say, "We Christians are in charge here, and don't you forget it.  And if you're not going to acknowledge that Christmas is the supreme holiday in America, then you should probably just leave."  This sort of thing has happened to me more than once, because people assume that since I'm an atheist, I don't celebrate Christmas.  When in fact, the only difference between the Christmas celebration at my house and the one at theirs is the absence of a nativity scene at mine.  So they're really not offending me nearly as much as they hope they are.

It's all just nonsense.  If you want to say "Merry Christmas" to total strangers, that's your business.  But don't insist on painting the rest of us as thoughtless sheep for jumping on the "Happy Holidays" bandwagon.  It's more than a politically correct phrase (which I know is a topic of never-ending frustration for conservatives). It's a term of inclusiveness; not a rejection of Christmas.  The reason for the season is love, warmth, family and friends (and presents!), not just Jesus.  And we should honor everyone at this time of year, not just Christians.