Liberal House at the Fair - Part One

I had the opportunity last week to staff the DFL booth at the county fair (that's "Democrat-Farmer-Labor" party for all you non-Minnesotans out there). There really aren’t tons of our kind in this red county, so I try to step up and help out if I can. We need to stick together.

While I was doing some serious people watching from my chair at the booth, a woman came up to me and initiated a conversation. She told me that while she’s not a Republican, she just can’t get on board with the Democrats because of the “gun issue.”  The rest of the conversation went a little something like this, although this is abridged for length purposes, and probably not verbatim due to me not possessing a photographic memory:

Me: “So what are the policies you see happening that are changing your ability to own or use your guns?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you kidding me?!”

Me: “No, I’m really not. I’m curious what the policies are because I personally haven’t seen anything change in the past several years. We have guns in our house, my in-laws all have guns in their houses, and no one has had to give anything up. What policies do you mean?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you KIDDING me?!”

Me: “No, I’m really not. I’m trying to be genuine with you here. I want to know what laws are being changed because I want to be informed as much as you do. Can you give me something more specific?”

Her (with a look of sheer astonishment on her face): “Are you KIDDING me?!”

We went around in circles like this for awhile, until her husband walked up to help her out.

Her (looking at her husband): “She doesn’t even know about what the Democrats are doing to gun rights!”

Her (looking back at me): “I just can’t believe that you have no idea about what your own party is doing!”

Him (shaking his head at me condescendingly): “Listen, the problem with Obama is he thinks the whole country is like Chicago, so he wants to make sure nobody has weapons. But they’ve done studies that show that in the places with the least restrictions on guns, they also have the lowest crime rates. Because when you don’t know who around you has a gun, you’re less likely to commit a crime.”

Me: “Well, honestly, it wouldn’t make me feel any safer to think this entire crowd could be carrying concealed guns.  I mean, I’m sure you’re a perfectly normal guy, but how do I really know if you’re crazy or not? And I’ve heard the complete opposite of that statistic; that the states that have the tightest gun control also have the lowest crime rates.”

Her: “Where did you hear that from?”

Me: “I don’t know, I guess I can’t pinpoint the exact study I read.”

Her: “Well, give me your email address and I’ll email you the correct stories. Because I don’t get all of my news from one place. I watch Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC, and none of them give you the whole story.”

Me (writing my email address on a scrap of paper and handing it her): “Yes, please. I’d love to read it. I think it’s important to revaluate your position based on new evidence, so I’ll be interested to see what you send. Like I said, I know a lot of hunters and even I have guns in my house.”

Him: “Oh, and let me tell you something else. This whole issue has nothing to do with ‘hunting.’ It’s about our freedom to protect ourselves from the government if some crazy dictator takes over the government.”

Me: “Ya, but I mean, we live in a democracy. How likely do you really think it is for a dictator to take over?”

Him: “It happens all the time! What do you think America was like before 1776?!”

Me: “Well, it was a monarchy.”

Him: “What?”

Me: “You know, a monarchy? A king? There was a king in charge of everything but now we have a democracy, so I’m just not sure that we’re facing an inevitable dictatorship. And even if we were, I’m not sure guns would keep us safe. I mean, the government already has drones and nuclear weapons.”

Him: “Exactly! That’s why we need to be able to protect ourselves! I’ll tell you one thing. I’m a Christian, and if you’re a Christian in this country, you’re put on a terrorist watch list. Did you know that? I’m on a terrorist watch list! And if you belong to a pro-life group, you’re considered part of a ‘hate group.’ And you can take that to the bank.”

Me (getting increasingly annoyed because he pulled out the ‘Christian victimization’ card): “How do you know that? I find that a little hard to believe.”

Him: “A friend of mine told me.”

Me (a little worried about what’s going to come out of my mouth right now): “Well, I’m going to share something pretty personal with you here. I’m an atheist, and if I had to guess, I would say that at least 90% of the Democrats I know are Christians. So if anyone is going to be looked at closely or put on a watch list, it’s probably me. It's certainly not as if the atheists have taken over the Democratic party.”

Him (probably horrified to learn that he’s been arguing with the anti-Christ): “Ya well, those other Democrats are probably on a watch list too then. Obama’s keeping an eye on them all to make sure Christians don’t get too much power in this country.”

Me (seeing this conversation going absolutely nowhere): “So let me just ask you this then; do you think private citizens should have the right to own any weapons that the military has? Like drones, grenades, nuclear weapons?”

Him: “Well, there already are limits. You have to have a license to have a blah, blah, blah. . . .”

Me (cutting him off): “No, I mean, in your perfect world, if you got to decide, should we all be able to own any technology that the military has access to? If your concern is protecting yourself from the government, shouldn’t you be able to have all the same stuff the government has?”

Him (looking perplexed): “Well, I don’t know. Probably, ya.”

Her: “We really need to get going. I’ll email you those articles.”

Me: “Yes, please do. I’ll keep an eye out for them. Thanks!”

At one point, I did try to point out that while yes, there is a lot of fear in America right now, that the fear seems to really benefit gun manufacturers the most. All I got in return was an eye roll and an incredulous “that has nothing to do with it.” I brought the gun lobby issue up more than once, but I guess I must have just sounded like a crazy conspiracy theorist to them.

I still haven’t gotten any emails. But I have a whole new understanding of Obama’s plan for his evil empire. Good thing I’m not a Christian or I might be scared and run right out to buy a whole bunch of new guns. That is, if you could even still purchase a gun in America, which you clearly can't.