I'm depressed.
Not like "feeling down" depressed, but actually, truly, clinically depressed.
I first went on antidepressants when I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago. The pregnancy seemed to trigger something in my brain that turned on a hard-core depression which I had never experienced before.
And let me tell you, it wasn't (and isn't) pretty. As a person with a chronic medical illness, I can easily say that I'd rather deal with physical illness than mental illness. At least when you're physically ill, people seem to understand that you're sick. When you're depressed, people don't see it, and if they do, they think you just need to snap out of it or think positive thoughts. They think that you're weak, or that you're just being lazy or cranky.
But depression isn't really a state of mind. It's an imbalance of chemicals in your brain that can't be easily fixed. You're not really depressed "about" anything, but then again, everything depresses you.
For example, I'm currently depressed about being depressed. It's not fair to my family to be laying around all day long doing nothing, but the thought of doing anything other than laying in a fetal position and watching Netflix depresses me. Which means my house is a mess, which depresses me even more. And since I've been laying around depressed, I haven't been cooking much of anything, which means my kids are eating a lot of frozen pizza, which further depresses me while I berate myself as a terrible mother.
Then there's the fact that it's Christmas time, which is normally my favorite holiday. But because of my depression, I can't enjoy it, which depresses me. And since I can't enjoy it, I haven't done much gift buying or cookie baking, which also depresses me.
Then there's the depression of thinking constantly about how depressing everything is for everyone else in the world. For people who are homeless, or lonely, or hungry. For people who have lost children and are suffering so much more than I have or ever will. The thought that they're depressed depresses me.
The fact that the human brain is so complex and fragile that a minor deficiency of one or another chemical can fuck up your whole life depresses me. The capacity for human anguish in general depresses me, along with the fact that millions upon millions of people in the world are, at this very moment, suffering. That depresses me.
And it depresses me that my mind has been essentially hijacked. My personality, the very thing that makes me, well, "me"; that thing is temporarily on hiatus along with my ability to find comfort and joy in anything that usually gives me comfort and joy. That's gone for a little while. And guess what? That really, really depresses me.
But I'm one of the lucky ones. This depression is only temporary. It's just the result of a medication change. The antidepressant I had been on for the last several years wasn't quite cutting it anymore, so I'm in the process of switching over to a new one. But in a week or two, when the new medication has reached its optimum effect, I know I'll feel better. I'm lucky enough to have health insurance, and the ability to pay for the medication I need. I have a husband who can take care of the kids when I just can't. I'm financially stable enough that this temporary situation won't ruin my life. But there are so many people out there that don't have all of the luxuries I have. And that depresses the hell out of me. And the fact that I'm laying here being depressed when I should be grateful for all of the things I have; that truly depresses me.
But for now, all I can do is wait for my new medication to kick in, and hope that my children don't starve in the process.
I'm not writing this to get the typical "hang in there sweetie!" comments that one generally receives after posting something like this to a public forum. I don't need sympathy or attention. All I need is to let you know that when someone you know and love is suffering from depression, or any type of mental illness for that matter, they truly are suffering.
What I need is not to hear comments like "Why is <insert celebrity here> depressed?! They have nothing to be depressed about!" Or comments like, "I can't believe <insert celebrity here> killed himself. How selfish of him! I can't understand why anyone would do that!" These types of comments further the misguided notion that depression is simply a character flaw to be "fixed" with the right balance of strength and positive affirmations. It is not. It is a heavy black coat that settles over you and refuses to lift without genuine, medical intervention.
Which brings me around to the relevance of this sort of post on a "liberal" blog. Imagine if everyone in America, regardless of their circumstances, had unlimited access to mental health care. Imagine the increase in productivity, the people now able to hold down a job who couldn't before. The children who now have healthy parents who are able to take care of them, leading to a lesser burden on child care resources. The families saved from the trauma of suicide. All of this could happen, if only we could get our priorities straight. If only we saw this as an issue more urgent than providing billionaires with even more money. If only.
But we don't. We choose to live in a system where the "haves" get to live healthy and comfortable lives, while the "have nots" are just shit out of luck. And you know what? That really fucking depresses me.
I'm not writing this to get the typical "hang in there sweetie!" comments that one generally receives after posting something like this to a public forum. I don't need sympathy or attention. All I need is to let you know that when someone you know and love is suffering from depression, or any type of mental illness for that matter, they truly are suffering.
What I need is not to hear comments like "Why is <insert celebrity here> depressed?! They have nothing to be depressed about!" Or comments like, "I can't believe <insert celebrity here> killed himself. How selfish of him! I can't understand why anyone would do that!" These types of comments further the misguided notion that depression is simply a character flaw to be "fixed" with the right balance of strength and positive affirmations. It is not. It is a heavy black coat that settles over you and refuses to lift without genuine, medical intervention.
Which brings me around to the relevance of this sort of post on a "liberal" blog. Imagine if everyone in America, regardless of their circumstances, had unlimited access to mental health care. Imagine the increase in productivity, the people now able to hold down a job who couldn't before. The children who now have healthy parents who are able to take care of them, leading to a lesser burden on child care resources. The families saved from the trauma of suicide. All of this could happen, if only we could get our priorities straight. If only we saw this as an issue more urgent than providing billionaires with even more money. If only.
But we don't. We choose to live in a system where the "haves" get to live healthy and comfortable lives, while the "have nots" are just shit out of luck. And you know what? That really fucking depresses me.
