I'm depressed.
Not like "feeling down" depressed, but actually, truly, clinically depressed.
I first went on antidepressants when I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago. The pregnancy seemed to trigger something in my brain that turned on a hard-core depression which I had never experienced before.
And let me tell you, it wasn't (and isn't) pretty. As a person with a chronic medical illness, I can easily say that I'd rather deal with physical illness than mental illness. At least when you're physically ill, people seem to understand that you're sick. When you're depressed, people don't see it, and if they do, they think you just need to snap out of it or think positive thoughts. They think that you're weak, or that you're just being lazy or cranky.
But depression isn't really a state of mind. It's an imbalance of chemicals in your brain that can't be easily fixed. You're not really depressed "about" anything, but then again, everything depresses you.
For example, I'm currently depressed about being depressed. It's not fair to my family to be laying around all day long doing nothing, but the thought of doing anything other than laying in a fetal position and watching Netflix depresses me. Which means my house is a mess, which depresses me even more. And since I've been laying around depressed, I haven't been cooking much of anything, which means my kids are eating a lot of frozen pizza, which further depresses me while I berate myself as a terrible mother.
Then there's the fact that it's Christmas time, which is normally my favorite holiday. But because of my depression, I can't enjoy it, which depresses me. And since I can't enjoy it, I haven't done much gift buying or cookie baking, which also depresses me.
Then there's the depression of thinking constantly about how depressing everything is for everyone else in the world. For people who are homeless, or lonely, or hungry. For people who have lost children and are suffering so much more than I have or ever will. The thought that they're depressed depresses me.
The fact that the human brain is so complex and fragile that a minor deficiency of one or another chemical can fuck up your whole life depresses me. The capacity for human anguish in general depresses me, along with the fact that millions upon millions of people in the world are, at this very moment, suffering. That depresses me.
And it depresses me that my mind has been essentially hijacked. My personality, the very thing that makes me, well, "me"; that thing is temporarily on hiatus along with my ability to find comfort and joy in anything that usually gives me comfort and joy. That's gone for a little while. And guess what? That really, really depresses me.
But I'm one of the lucky ones. This depression is only temporary. It's just the result of a medication change. The antidepressant I had been on for the last several years wasn't quite cutting it anymore, so I'm in the process of switching over to a new one. But in a week or two, when the new medication has reached its optimum effect, I know I'll feel better. I'm lucky enough to have health insurance, and the ability to pay for the medication I need. I have a husband who can take care of the kids when I just can't. I'm financially stable enough that this temporary situation won't ruin my life. But there are so many people out there that don't have all of the luxuries I have. And that depresses the hell out of me. And the fact that I'm laying here being depressed when I should be grateful for all of the things I have; that truly depresses me.
But for now, all I can do is wait for my new medication to kick in, and hope that my children don't starve in the process.
I'm not writing this to get the typical "hang in there sweetie!" comments that one generally receives after posting something like this to a public forum. I don't need sympathy or attention. All I need is to let you know that when someone you know and love is suffering from depression, or any type of mental illness for that matter, they truly are suffering.
What I need is not to hear comments like "Why is <insert celebrity here> depressed?! They have nothing to be depressed about!" Or comments like, "I can't believe <insert celebrity here> killed himself. How selfish of him! I can't understand why anyone would do that!" These types of comments further the misguided notion that depression is simply a character flaw to be "fixed" with the right balance of strength and positive affirmations. It is not. It is a heavy black coat that settles over you and refuses to lift without genuine, medical intervention.
Which brings me around to the relevance of this sort of post on a "liberal" blog. Imagine if everyone in America, regardless of their circumstances, had unlimited access to mental health care. Imagine the increase in productivity, the people now able to hold down a job who couldn't before. The children who now have healthy parents who are able to take care of them, leading to a lesser burden on child care resources. The families saved from the trauma of suicide. All of this could happen, if only we could get our priorities straight. If only we saw this as an issue more urgent than providing billionaires with even more money. If only.
But we don't. We choose to live in a system where the "haves" get to live healthy and comfortable lives, while the "have nots" are just shit out of luck. And you know what? That really fucking depresses me.
I'm not writing this to get the typical "hang in there sweetie!" comments that one generally receives after posting something like this to a public forum. I don't need sympathy or attention. All I need is to let you know that when someone you know and love is suffering from depression, or any type of mental illness for that matter, they truly are suffering.
What I need is not to hear comments like "Why is <insert celebrity here> depressed?! They have nothing to be depressed about!" Or comments like, "I can't believe <insert celebrity here> killed himself. How selfish of him! I can't understand why anyone would do that!" These types of comments further the misguided notion that depression is simply a character flaw to be "fixed" with the right balance of strength and positive affirmations. It is not. It is a heavy black coat that settles over you and refuses to lift without genuine, medical intervention.
Which brings me around to the relevance of this sort of post on a "liberal" blog. Imagine if everyone in America, regardless of their circumstances, had unlimited access to mental health care. Imagine the increase in productivity, the people now able to hold down a job who couldn't before. The children who now have healthy parents who are able to take care of them, leading to a lesser burden on child care resources. The families saved from the trauma of suicide. All of this could happen, if only we could get our priorities straight. If only we saw this as an issue more urgent than providing billionaires with even more money. If only.
But we don't. We choose to live in a system where the "haves" get to live healthy and comfortable lives, while the "have nots" are just shit out of luck. And you know what? That really fucking depresses me.
Thanks for sharing this. I've suffered from 'subclinical' depression most of my life but have tried medication only once which I didn't like, so I stopped taking it. Thankfully, I've reached a place in life where I don't have to be subject to others' judgments or expectations (yeah, I can still feel guilty). It's a fucked up world but I can only deal with my little part of it (and complain about the rest). My daughter seems to have inherited this (gene, propensity, whatever) and has really been through some bad times, but she seems to be recovering... snapping out of it... spontaneously (fingers crossed). She has refused medication all this time and is now in a place where she seems to have better community (communal) support and a regular routine of going to work everyday.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I find this time of year extremely hard to deal with. I think it's the lack of light (sunshine). There is probably a reason lights are part of celebrations! Thanks again.
Excellent article! Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. It is important to end the stigma around mental illness so that people can feel comfortable talking about it, asking for help, and getting the resources needed to take care of these important health needs. By sharing your experience within the greater context of health care coverage, family support, and the impact on productivity, you help others better understand the positive impact on communities and society as a whole when we are patient and realistic about the experiences of everyone! Thank you very much! ~Ann
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words guys. The fact that I was even able to put forth the effort to write this shows me that I'm getting better, bit by bit. Medication has been a lifesaver for me, but I know that many people can't or don't want to take it, and I really feel for their struggle.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this to try and chip away at some of that stigma. I think that the more people talk about their own experiences, the less scary it is for other people to talk about it, no matter what the topic. I'm glad you found it helpful.
I agree that this time of the year is very hard. I'm sitting here writing this with a sun lamp pointed at my face because the actual sun hasn't been out in days. Normally, I would be rejoicing in my gorgeous Christmas tree, but this year I just look at it and think, "meh." I had to force myself to put it up because I didn't want the kids to think anything was wrong. Hopefully by Christmas I'll be feeling well enough to actually enjoy it. :-)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager and I've been struggling with antidepressants for years. I've been pretty stable for the last few years (thank you, Cymbalta!) but occasionally crash and burn. So, you're not alone, Amy. I don't know if that helps or not but there are a lot of us out there. Be kind to yourself and keep reminding yourself that depression lies. It lies like a motherf*cker.
ReplyDeleteAt my last therapy appointment I announced "I have a bad case of the Decembers." She told me that every last one of her clients does too. That made ME feel better, so I'm sharing it with you. Thanks for being honest about your struggle with the depression monster that plagues so many of us.
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