I've had the occasion to travel from my small town to the Minneapolis-St. Paul area (what we locals affectionately refer to as "the cities") several times in the past few months. It's roughly a two and a half hour drive, which isn't so bad, but there are only so many hours of This American Life I can listen to before I start to tune out.
And so, as I approach the middle of my journey, which is the St. Cloud area, I always see not one, but two giant billboards for the local AM Catholic radio station. With two giant billboards enticing me, how could I NOT listen? And boy am I glad I did! I've learned SO many good things from listening, and my life has been so enriched by the teachings of the one true church.
So let me summarize the collective wisdom I've gained onto you, fair readers.
1.) If you're not married, don't have sex. Not any. Not ever. Especially if you're female. It's probably the worst thing you could ever do. You're going to break your parents' hearts and probably die of a horrible STD (and that's only after you've totally ruined God's plan for your otherwise perfectly planned life). Sex is demeaning (if you're female) and the "hook up culture" will only leave you broken, and a shell of your former, pure self. Especially if you're female. Besides, you can't really enjoy sex unless you are fully giving your future to the other person, by which I mean consenting to give birth nine months later and raise a child for the rest of your life. Also, watching rom-coms will make you slutty. Especially if you're female.
2.) If you ARE married, have sex. Lots of it, all the time. Why? Because babies, that's why. Babies are a gift from God and will do nothing but add to your enjoyment of life and bring you tons of fun and happiness. And don't even think about birth control. Having babies is not a choice to be made, it's a blessing from above. You made the choice to have kids already when you said those wedding vows, and there's no going back now. Only God knows how many kids you can handle. You may be thinking, "but what about my high blood pressure, or financial situation, or sanity?" Doesn't matter. Keep in mind that God will provide. Afraid of mounting medical bills from having all those babies, or the cost of food, clothing, etc? Not to worry. God has already thought about all of that for you, and decided you'll be just fine with 25 kids (and more than likely, they'll all be healthy and perfect anyway). You can always make more money. It's easy. Too many people these days spend all their time worrying about how babies will affect their lives, instead of considering that babies are totally awesome!! They have cute smiles and say cute things and look so cute in their cute little outfits. And you really don't want to be one of those schmucks only raising one or two boring kids, do you?
So basically, what I've learned is that the Catholic Church is extremely concerned about how much sex you're having, and why you're having it. Only they know the true purpose and gravity of sex, and how it affects people. If you would only take their advice, it would all be smooth sailing from here on out. So don't screw this up people!! Or, I guess, DO screw it up, but only if you're married and want to have dozens of kids, as is your duty to God. Especially if you're female.
